


9-1-1: The Coronavirus Episode

by mamalovesherbagels



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Complete crack, Crack Fic, but 9-1-1 writers feel free to let me join the team, this is so dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24337954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mamalovesherbagels/pseuds/mamalovesherbagels
Summary: Absolute and complete crack fic. I hacked the 9-1-1 writers' group chat and this is the draft of their planned coronavirus episode for season 4.
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 7
Kudos: 30





	9-1-1: The Coronavirus Episode

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MaddieandChimney](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/gifts).



> Happy birthday, Maddie!!

Scene opens at the 9-1-1 call center. Josh is on Tinder, Sue is shooting target practice in her office but she can, and Gloria is there begging everyone to speak at her parole hearing. Maddie is the only one doing her job. Jamal is asleep under his desk.

Maddie: 9-1-1, what is your emergency?

9-1-1 caller: I think I’m dying. I have coronavirus.

Maddie: You’re not dying.

9-1-1 caller: How do you know that?

Maddie: I used to be a nurse.

9-1-1 caller: Oh shit.

[Maddie dispatches the 118 to the caller’s location]

Bobby: Alright everyone, remember, your protective equipment must stay on at ALL times.

Eddie: Got it, Cap.

[Eddie cuts his mask in half.]

Hen: Oh no, she’s dying. Who wants to let me cut one of your lungs out so I can transplant it into her?

[Buck rips his shirt off]

Buck: Just don’t take my right lung, that's my favorite.

Chimney: Are you guys sure you’re not on LSD again?

Buck: Are you sure there’s not a rebar through your head again?

Chimney: [insert self deprecating joke here]

Bobby: No, no field transplants. Hen, you haven’t gotten into medical school yet and I don’t want to get sued. Again.

Buck: THAT WAS A PHASE!!!

Eddie: Hey, dude, bro, my platonic life partner whom I do not have sexual tension with at all, please put your shirt back again. Your intensely muscular build is distracting me. Out of totally heterosexual appreciation.

Buck: I can’t I ripped it ://

Eddie: Oh no, bro, that sucks. You can have one of mine when we get back to that station.

Buck: Bro <333 that’s so nice of you <333 Bro <333

Chimney: Guys, she’s literally dying. Starting compressions.

Maddie, who is still on the line listening for some reason: Break her ribs, baby!!

[Chimney and Hen miraculously save someone on the brink of death, again, like they do five times an episode but we’re still all surprised and proud of them all the same. We are helpless sluts for the same dramatic episode structure we see week after week.]

Chimney: I broke a rib. That’s how I know I did the CPR right. That and she started breathing again.

Maddie, fanning herself with a list of traumatic bullet points to bring up to Frank at her next therapy appointment: That’s hot.

Bobby: Good job, guys. Eddie and Buck, I don’t know if we actually needed you two here, but thanks for the moral support.

Eddie and Buck at the same time: You got it, Cap.

Eddie: Woah… jinx, bro.

Buck: Bro <333

Hen: I may be a lesbian but I know what heterosexuality is and that is not it.

Chimney: Shh, you can’t say that out loud. Only aggressive subtext is permitted by the writers.

Bobby: I love my two gay adopted sons.

Eddie: Woah, woah, woah, hey!

Bobby: Sorry, I love my two bi-curious adopted sons.

Eddie: Much better. Hey Buck wanna come over later and co-parent my son?

Buck: Bro, I’d love to <333

[Cut to a scene of Bobby and Athena with May and Harry at their house.]

Bobby: Honestly, I don’t know how none of my team has died yet. They’re like, whores for near death experiences.

May: No offense, dude, but didn’t you willingly expose yourself to radioactive material once?

Bobby: Yes, but your father got cancer, not me, because the writers pulled a switcheroo.

Athena: I would’ve preferred neither of you getting cancer, but I gotta say, that was pretty clever of them.

Harry: Aren’t we not supposed to know we’re in a television episode?

[Michael comes crashing through another glass door.]

Harry: Oh heck.

[Cuts to a scene of Maddie and Chimney at his apartment.]

Chimney: I should probably stay six feet away from you since you’re pregnant and I was potentially exposed to a dangerous virus.

Maddie: Yeah, but weren’t you wearing protective gear?

Chimney: Yeah, but Eddie and Buck destroyed theirs and I was hanging out with them later at the firehouse.

Maddie: Oh no. That’s not good. I know this because I used to be a nurse.

Chimney, who has been dating her for over a year: Wait, what, really?

Maddie: Before I left Doug.

Chimney: ...that’s so hot. I want to have sex with you so badly… but… I must stay six feet away.

Maddie: I have an idea.

[Maddie opens up skype on her computer.]

[Cut to scene with Eddie, Christopher, and Buck at their house… I mean Eddie’s house. Buck doesn’t technically live there and sometimes I forget that.]

Christopher: *is perfect*

Buck: I love your kid, bro.

Eddie: Bro <33 that’s so sweet, bro.

Buck: Bro <333 you’re so sweet <333

[Eddie pretends to suck off the top of his beer bottle.]

[Cut to Maddie back at the call center. Jamal is still asleep under his desk, possibly dead.]

Maddie: 9-1-1, what is your emergency?

9-1-1 caller #2: Help… there’s been a train derailment.

Maddie: Oh no.

9-1-1 caller #2: But that’s not all… the train crashed into the White House.

[Screen dramatically fades to black.]


End file.
